"..You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."

I'm in school. I'm in school? Wait, what? Why? I don't know either. Yes I do.  I sound indecisive. That's because I am. After taking a year and two month break from college, I'm back. I needed friends. That sounds lame. I need a degree. That sounds better.
  It's weird being here. I feel old. Yeah, old. I'm still trying to figure out why. But for what I can decide, it's because the time I've been away, I've gone through so much. So much now that I feel out of place. Like I'm ten years older than the rest of these kids here. See? I said kids. Not fellow students. Anyway, I guess that my brain is just telling me (after having such a long break) that I'm done with school already, that it's ready for something else.
  Now, instead of me viewing a text book or home work as assignments, I view it from a work mindset. It's a job. But it's not. Cause I'm paying out the wazoo for it. (Does anyone know where the wazoo even is?) And work is supposed to give money, not take. I already have a job. so I feel like I now have two jobs. One at which slurps up all the money the other gives.
  So I feel like I'm at a stand still. I'm spending every penny I have, on someone telling me what chapter to read each day in a book about something in this crazy big world. Why don't I just get a library card, and write my own syllabus? Because I'm to stupid to do that. I have to go to school to learn how to do that. No, I'm paying for someone to observe me learning, and hand me a piece of paper with my name on it saying, "now you can get 100 more jobs than you used too!" But I have a job. I'm not worried about jobs.
  Maybe I'm being cynical about it all. Probably. But I'll figure it out. It'll just take time. A lot of time. 80% of the people I know, and all most all of society want me to be here and do this.  And 20% of everyone else doesn't think it matters. Where do I stand? In the middle. As always. Majority ruled and I didn't feel strongly enough about not going back, so I went. But there's still time to tell if I end up agreeing that school is as good as it is cheap, or if keeping good company and a steady job is the wiser decision.
   I don't want to know your thoughts about this. Because I've had too many opinions already. I think what I really need to learn is how to make my own conclusions and think for myself. I can and do for a very few specific aspects. But when it come down to this? Give me two years to think about it next time. Or I'll always be confused.

To all of you who have and still are reading this. I'm truly sorry you had to read my rambling thoughts. Please ignore any and all of it. Especially if it didn't make sense, which it probably didn't. And most of all don't judge me on my editing, writing, clarity, or saneness. How about you just pretend none of this happened and go your way. Sounds good.

xoxo your confuzzled friend

Before the beginning.....

Before I moved out of my parent's apartment and into my own house, I had a lot of things to do. Some consisted of cleaning, washing, cleaning, and cleaning some more. So yeah that's pretty cool. Not really. It was pretty gross. I saw lots of ewwy, slimy, nasty stuff. I'll save you and wont go in details. You can thank me. Here's proof that I, along with my mom and very good friend Maggie, I probably owe them my life now, made this place shine like the top of the top of the Chrysler building.

Stop looking at my butt please. I know I need to do a few...a lot..more squats and probably stop eating ice cream. But be nice and courteous and avoid glancing in that general area. Because it'll make me feel better, and I can continue in my happiness with mint chocolate chip milk shakes. I won't feel so guilty. Thanks.

Yes, I'll post after pictures...later.

148, 149, 150, 151,...

You don't know what these numbers mean. That's fine. I do. They're the next few numbers in my list of things. Long list huh? Not really. It's gonna be longer. A lot longer. Actually it's going to be 845 things longer. Yes, 1,000 is what I'm going for. If you've been stalking my blog you'd know where I'm coming from. So I shouldn't have to explain myself twice. That being said I will continue on with what I was doing....

...And along with all those other things I'm also thankful for...

148. Living literally two minutes away from everything.

149. Snow...of any kind. it's beautiful.

150.  The ability to go back to school, no matter how finically that looks. Because God always provides what we need.

151. Crunchy salads. Don't forget it's the little things.

152. Realizing I'm not the one in control. And being ok with that.

153. Sharing old movies from my childhood with Jack, Sam, and Will (I don't have kids. I'm just their nanny.)

154. Reading friend's blogs about things we did in high school. Like learning how to change a tire, making world record size quiches, and accidentally breaking our mom's vacuum cleaners late at night. (Don't ask. I was young and clumsy back then...ok I'm still a little clumsy.)

155. Down comforters on cold nights. (go buy one. if you have one, go buy another one.)

Happy Birthday, You're 15, You Changed My Life

Yesterday was one of my three little sisters' birthdays. She turned fifteen. To me it's scary. It makes me feel old. Old and thankful. She's our miracle. I would write all about it now, if it weren't for the fact that, two years ago I had to write a paper on it (So no judging on editing and the style of writing.), and today I'm just too tired (from work and moving *post about that soon!*) to think correctly about my "ie's," dependent clauses, run-on sentences and adjectives. My apologies. I'll fix them all one day...who am I kidding. I won't. But I WILL write about it again sometime in my life. And when I do, I'll let ya'll know. (*ya'll is the way you say "you guys", or "you all" when you live in the Appalachian - pronounced "ap-puh-lach-in")

Now that I have taken forty-two thousand rabbit trails, here is the marvelous story about my little sister, who isn't so little any more. She's actually five inches taller than me. Time flies.....

            (This is her at Homecoming this past fall)

      When my little sister, Mary, was only six years old, she had a massive cerebral hemorrhage that removed her ability to speak or use her entire right side. This was a traumatizing event. Not only was I shocked by it, but I was majorly affected long term. Three notable effects it had on me were my being taught the importance of assisting others, my learning to accept help from the community and church, and my deeper dependence on God for help.

     When my sister was in the hospital, I learned how to assist others in time of need. I saw my family broken because of Mary's emergency. My parents sacrificed many things to help her recover. When I saw them expending themselves, it made me feel as if I needed to give, too. But there wasn't much I thought I could do - I was only eleven. Then I realized that, no matter what form help came in, it would always be appreciated. So, I dedicated myself to comforting and taking care of my other siblings. Because my parents were almost always at the hospital, I became a nanny for my baby sister, a best friend to my big sister, and a comforter to my younger sister, who took Mary's situation the hardest. I began to understand like never before when to help, comfort, love, and pray for them. I now care very deeply for others and strive to serve them to the best of my abilities.

     Additionally, accepting help from the community and church was a new experience for me. While learning how to care for others, I noticed the church embracing and praying for us and the community assisting us through the hardest times. Consequently, I came to the realization that I didn't have to do everything myself, and I wasn't the only one who cared. I learned how to rely on both the community and church for support for both me and my family. People from all over the country were calling, helping, and encouraging us. I was comforted knowing that we didn't have to go through this sad situation all on our own. I realized the value of being a part of such a community and determined to participate with them in serving others. Because of my sister's stroke, I am now a member of the church and enjoy assisting families and friends in need. 

     Most importantly, this traumatic circumstance renewed my dependence upon God for help. When I saw Mary lying in the hospital bed, unable to talk or move her right side, my spirit was broken. I wanted to second-guess my belief in God and His graciousness. I wondered why this horrible thing could happen to anyone, especially to my very own sister. I remember finding myself many times on my knees praying even when I doubted everything I believed. I needed comfort and strength during those many weeks before Mary improved. When she survived the surgery, it was a miracle before my eyes. Though I didn't realize it at the time, the only reason I was comforted and she was healed was because of God. Seeing her improve so rapidly made my faith grow rapidly stronger. I realize now that all things come from God. Everything that happens, happens because God appoints it. I also now realize that He has a purpose for everything He does. I know that He grants His people help, eternal love, comfort, strength, and perfect truth, even when they don't ask for or deserve it. His comfort and care surpass all others'. Seeing my sister on the hospital bed, completely dependent upon help from others and God's grace, made me realize I needed to be the same way with God – forever relying on Him for strength and help. Her stroke caused me to understand that God's steadfast love and faithfulness is all I need to survive because I know He will provide for me, even in death. I know now that not only Mary couldn't live without Him, but neither could I. 

     My little sister's stroke shaped my development in significant ways. Though the journey through it all was hard, sad, and painful, the effects in the end were for my betterment; I matured in ways I might not have otherwise - I learned the importance of assisting others, how to accept help from others, and, ultimately, how to rest upon God.

The Return Of The King

If you've never seen this movie - shame on you. If you have, you'll know what I'm talking about. If you're the biggest fan in the whole wide world, you'll share in my emotions that go along with this quote.

Before the king returns, before the end of all evil, just as the night seems the darkest, Pippin looks to Gandalf for courage to make it through the night. The small exchange they have reminds me of what it would be like in our last day. What we should be like. Looking beyond death's door. For a life much greater than before. One that's worth waiting for...And no I didn't mean to rhyme. That's just how it came out...stop laughing, you're ruining the moment.

Here's what happens...

"Pippin: I didn't think it would end this way.

Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take.
The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it.

Pippin: What? Gandalf?... See what?

Gandalf: White shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.

Pippin: [smiling] Well, that isn't so bad.

Gandalf: [softly] No... No it isn't. "

And if just reading doesn't do it justice....

Now, if you didn't get chills or tear up...or even fall over sobbing. Just ignore this post all together. Or go read a book. Maybe even this book.